what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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