I just saw a hot homeless man
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
