I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i drank out of a bidet.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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