i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize