i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
