Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
