I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
