Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
