What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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