I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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