He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
