I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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