Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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