I got chris browned last night
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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