the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My ATM looks so different sober.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
