dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
