M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I supernannyed him into submission
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
