drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
