My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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