1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
