today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize