Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
