Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
