I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
