the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
