I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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