Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
