Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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