Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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