Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's even glitter on my cock...
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