Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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