Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
