his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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