when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
