My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
