im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
