I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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