YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
