omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
