That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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