I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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