I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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