i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
