When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
