I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
