Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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