Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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