I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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