What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
