i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
