So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
he's gonorrhea incarnate
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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