The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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