if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
