we have pet lesbian snakes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
