New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
