the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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