you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
