you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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