giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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